Conscious Loving Reminders

Ever been in a relationship when you feel you’re constantly walking on egg shells?  Arguments recycle in a constant battle over who is the bigger victim: We become partners in each other ‘s dramas, acting out scenes from the past in an unconscious agreement to feel bad and limit each other’s potential. 

Conscious Loving- the Journey to Co-commitment by Gay and Kathlyn Henricks is my relationship bible. I discovered it after a particularly arduous relationship which I thought had such wonderful potential but which kept painfully stumbling at the same points.  Despite us both being into personal development, we just didn’t seem to be able to move it forward.  Since then I’ve recommended it to friends and clients and applied the ideas to myself and other relationships, it’s principles really fit with the person I want to be and the relationship I want to have.

Whilst flirting with the possibilities of my current relationship I gave the book to my potential partner with a rather demanding ‘this is what I want’.  Amazingly he didn’t run a mile, he carried it around quoting bits back at me!  Now we’re needing its wisdom more I’m finding he’s dipped into it rather than really digested all the ideas and, rather embarrassingly, on re-reading I’d also forgotten some of the suggestions.  Here’s a summary of the key points…..

Co-commitment is a state of well-being in relationships that enhances the energy and creativity of each person.  It’s passionate, productive and harmonious and involves waking up & not recreating childhood patterns.

Love is a powerful force and resistance to love causes problems.  Loving relationships bring to surface parts of ourselves we’ve hidden and often don’t want others to see, when they emerge we often retreat blaming others.

There are no victims in co-committed relationships because both people are willing to accept that they are the cause of what happens to them.

Co-dependence is the situation I described in the first paragraph.  It’s an addiction to control and approval (or avoiding disapproval).  As long as we try and control ourselves and others and strive to get others to like us, our Spiritual essence is obscured.  There is a completely loveable essence at the centre of each of us that is beyond all of our strivings.

Are you co-dependent?  The Henricks give this list…

§   In spite of your best efforts, people around you don’t change their bad habits

§   You have difficulty allowing others to feel their feelings because you think it’s your fault

§   You have secrets you’re hiding from another person

§   You don’t let yourself feel all your feelings

§   You criticise or get criticised frequently.  You have a strong internal critic that keeps you feeling bad even in moments you should be feeling good

§   Your arguments tend to recycle

§   You frequently agree to do things you don’t want to do but say nothing

§   People do not seem to keep their agreements with you.

How relationships work

In the early days there’s romance- the relationship is wonderful and energetic and your partner can do (almost) no wrong.

Then the inevitable happens, closeness brings unpleasant parts to the surface….

Trust issues- first year of life- will he/she leave me too?

Authority issues- nobody’s gonna tell me what to do!

Self esteem issues- once we hand over our power to another person we are at their mercy, do I deserve to be here?

Long repressed feelings

Sexual issues

You then have a choice

Path A is to inquire into the source, take full responsibility for them and tell the truth about them to your partner.  You will learn to love previously unloved parts of you that are emerging

Or path B withhold (e.g. swallow anger), withdraw (pull back) and project attribute to another person something that’s going on at an unconscious level for you

Once B is selected your options are limited, you can split up, withdraw or make a deal (something like, if you do X I won’t mention Y)

Path A, the Journey to co-commitment starts with making 6 commitments….

1.  I commit to being close and I commit myself to clearing up anything in the way of my ability to do so

2.  I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual

i.e. 100% you and 100% in relationship

3.  I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships not to conceal myself

4.  I commit to the full empowerment of people around me- you support your partner’s full development

5.  I commit to acting on the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality.  Taking responsibility for our own lives and our own feelings.

6.  I commit to having a good time in my close relationships

Wouldn't you want to make these commitments for your own development and happiness anyway?! I hope you’re in or moving towards co-committed relationships too!  The book’s available on Amazon….