Resistance is Pointless

I was interested to read about the overwhelming fullness of our lives in preparation for the radio interview I did recently.  In her book, Overwhelm, Brigid Schulte talks about the social pressure for us to take on more and more and the pressure we put on ourselves to fit in all that we want to do as well as all we think we should be doing.  We just don’t say ‘no’ and we don’t want to!

We can have the best time management in the world but we still cannot fit everything into our lives that we’d like to do and do all we need to do to earn the money for everything we’d like to have.  It seems increasingly we don’t want to choose, we think we can magically stretch time and search for the mystical answer that will make it all fit.  When it doesn’t we push ourselves harder.  This is not the route to happiness!

 

Two really useful time management tips….

Mark Forster's ‘Get Everything Done and Still Have Time to Play’, is my favourite time managment approach.  His tips include....

 

Tip 1:  Be realistic
Consider all you’re attempting to fit into your life and assess whether this is realistically possible.  If the things you have to do and the time available do not match, you have a problem and no amount of time management techniques will fix it.

So prune your tasks…..

·         ~ Cut out all the things you feel you should do but actually never get round to

·         ~ Delegate all you can.  Make use of all available resources, ask for help, pay for help automate 

·         ~ Consider completing projects one by one rather than all at once.  Extend timescales, re-negotiate deadlines

·         ~ Be clear on your passion and purpose.  Prioritise the activities relating to these

·         ~ Make ‘no’ your default.  Remember a ‘no’ to another is a ‘yes’ to yourself

·         ~ Work on letting go of any guilt and negative self-talk relating to putting yourself first and taking care of your needs

Tip 2: Be guided by resistance. 

We all have activities and tasks we resist.  Maybe it’s facing up to the fact our life is overfull and we need to do something about it or perhaps it is getting round to one of the actions above?  When we resist doing something, we find other distractions, other things to keep us busy.  We justify to ourselves that these tasks are important and meaningful but are they really?  The longer we resist something, the harder it gets to do it and the more time we’ve wasted doing other ‘busy stuff’.  Our minds are quite clever at this and it can take some time before we are conscious of what it is that we are resisting 

Eventually either the resisted activity either becomes far too difficult to contemplate or becomes urgent so the pain of not doing it outweighs the pain of doing it. 

Occasionally the resistance is a voice of wisdom – the thing may not be so important or relevant now.  In which case make a clear decision not to do it so you can stop giving it your energy.

To conquer resistance….

1.       Check in with your intuition, is this activity still important to you?  Why?

2.       Do it now.  Organise your time so you do the thing you’re resisting most.  Once you’ve finished one thing, ask yourself, what am I resisting most now?

3.       Break tasks down into small chunks

4.       Give yourself small amounts of time to complete the small chunks

5.       Give the tasks challenging time deadlines

This takes practice but I’ve found really rewarding.  It gives me a sense of life flowing.  Clients too report the increasing confidence and self-pride that comes from tackling something you’ve been putting off.  Give it a go and let me know how you get on!

More About Stress

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of being interviewed on the radio by Tet Kofi.  The piece was inspired by an article in the Guardian which talked about the dangers of stress especially for heart attacks, it said…..

“short bursts of strong negative emotions may be hurtful to hearts”

Tet contacted me to talk about stress and all the practical things we can do to take care of ourselves.  The piece was really short but I had so much to say so here’s a more complete version…..

For me, the article is taking about the kind of stress that builds and builds and then irrupts in anger.  Whilst it is easy to see the anger as the culprit, the root of the problem is in the holding-on or bottling-up that happens in the lead up to the explosion.  Expressing anger naturally as it occurs, as children do, isn’t dangerous.  We just learn unhealthy ways of dealing with our emotions to fit in with how we think others need us to behave.

The first of Tet’s questions was how to recognise when you’re stressed….

Feelings are natural, we have them all the time.  They can be a good source of information for us and ideally we notice them, feel them fully and then they dissipate.  To feel them fully, we can express them in some way but many of us find both the feeling and the expressing uncomfortable so we choose to bury them.  We might think we are putting them to one side or ignoring them but, unless we face them fully, they stay in our bodies waiting to be set free.  It is my belief that these buried emotions are responsible for much of the disease we experience in modern times.  In the acting technique of Meisner* there’s a saying that ‘anything that goes unexpressed eats away at us’.

Holding on to emotions by burying them or going over and over them in our minds, is stressful.  To recognise this for yourself you need to tune into your body.  Take a deep breath and notice the sensations in your body, do some meditation, take physical exercise or dance and be aware of how your body feels.  All of these activities mean cultivating the observer in you so you observe the feelings rather than being so close to them that you believe they are you.  If you observe tension and pain in your body, this is a good indication you have some feelings there too.

Another way of knowing if you are stressed is to see the results you are getting in your life.  Our world reflects back what we give to it so if you experience lots of people around you as being stresses, the chances are you are too.  You may be stressed about other issues or show your stress in other ways but this is a clear clue.  If you are bumping into things and accident prone, you are probably not putting your awareness into the here and now, where is your awareness?  If people regularly respond in a rude or angry way to you, could you too be giving off those vibes?

Tet then asked, how can we change if we’re stressed out and angry?

Stress is the gap between where we are and where we want to be.  It represents a lack, we lack time, skill, motivation, control.  Stress is a re-banding of fear which is socially acceptable, if not desirable.  You can mention stress anywhere whereas to have fears can sound weak.  But underlying the stress will be a fear- what if…(you fill in the blank)….?  Although it might not be comfortable to admit we are afraid, facing our fear can actually be a liberating experience.  By seeing it clearly, it may lose some of its power.  We can examine the fear by asking ourselves….

- Is what we’re afraid of a likely consequence or outcome the action/non-action we’re taking?
- Are other more likely consequences/outcomes?
- Could we lessen our fear’s impact by having an alternative plan? 
Once we have some practical actions in place, we feel more in control and the fear subsides.

For example- What if I miss this deadline?  My fear is I’ll be fired, I’ll go bankrupt and then my family will be out on the streets. 
-Is this likely? Probably not!    
- Are other outcomes more likely?  Yes my boss would probably be really concerned and we’d have to have a meeting
- Could I lessen its impact?  Yes by having insurance and/or savings I could reduce the risk of going bankrupt.  By updating my CV and making sure my skills are up to date I’d be prepared if I lost my job.  And building the relationship with my boss would make talking to her about my deadlines easier.  Getting better at time management to avoid the situation in the first place. 

We can get addicted to the adrenaline stress releases in our bodies so, like changing any habit, we need to replace old habits with new and given them it time to embed.

Stress may be based on day-to-day situations such as this tight deadline or it might be the big picture, deeper stress that comes from not being true to ourselves in you work or relationship. Keeping up an act causes stress.  In this case it is important to get back in touch with your passions and your creativity so you can be truthful with yourself and others. 

But what, Tet asked if you are in a survival job as it’s not practical to pursue your life’s mission at the moment? 

In this case….

·    1. Have a plan.  Know how long you’ll need to do the survival job and what steps you’ll take when opportunities arise.  Make sure you’re monitoring the situation and preparing for the new rather than getting ‘addicted’ to the attributes of your current lifestyle.  For example if you’re looking to open your own business, you’d be saving at every opportunity and not agreeing to loans that will depend on staying employed in the long term.

·    2. Make a conscious choice. Not feeling in control is stressful and there are always other options.  So know you could pursue your life’s mission if you really wanted to but at the moment you have chosen to do something more important. 

·    3. Explore the pay-off.  Is this survival job really the best option or is there a belief holding you back from perusing your life’s mission?  Look for the pay-off, the thing that we can do or avoid by taking this option.  Are we afraid of failure, or success?  Do we believe we can be happy and successful?

·    4. Find an outlet for your feelings.  Make sure you are giving space for your feelings rather than bottling them up- explore how its best for you to express your feelings- through exercise, dance, something creative, acting, writing etc

·    5. Be grateful for what you do have.  Nothing changes your feelings faster than appreciation

·    6. Find ways to make it fun.  Could you bring some of your passions/mission into your survival job?  Or do something towards this in your free time?  How else could you make this period in your life a fun time?

I hope this has given you some ideas.  Stress is such a broad area and I’d be happy to answer other questions that arise 

*For more details on Meisner technique see our interview with Simon Furness at www.sea-sky.co.uk