The Paradox of Living Fully and Freely

Our meet-up group www.meetup.com/Living-Fully-and-Freely-in-St-Leonards-on-Sea/ has attracted a flurry of members who are…

‘on a quest to set aside their fears and turn their 'shit to compost' for living their fullest lives. Full of creative expression, full of peace and relaxation, full of making a difference to our community, full of abundance- full of whatever we choose!’

However, few of those who have the desire to live fully and freely could actually put their hand on their heart and say they are living out the dream.  It’s trickier than it looks and there are some seeming contradictions…..

Living fully seems to suggest our life is packed full of the things we love and we are completely immersed in our passions.  Like a child in a sweet shop we try all the different varieties with wild abandon.  Yet living this way can soon turn into a whirl of activity in which we lose our sense of what’s really important to us.  We need to take time to step back, reflect, tune into how we are feeling and enjoy just being.  At our next meet-up on Thursday we will be exploring different types of meditation to see what might be helpful.  Everyone I know who has achieved a lifestyle of living fully and freely has some kind of regular meditation or relaxation practice.
Being free seems to suggest we only need to do the things we want to, the things that bring us joy.   But that freedom is pretty shallow if it is really driven by our need to avoid things, people, places, thoughts and feelings we find unpleasant.  For our lives to feel free and not be limited, we need to go face the things we resist and find ways of transforming them so they are no longer obstacles to our freedom.  To live fully and freely, we need to know ourselves well be aware of our passions and fear based patterns.  We then need to make conscious choices so we spend our time in line with our passions, creating the life we desire step by step.  

Although living fully and freely might seem like a selfish act of independence, our biggest opportunities for growth and joy are found in relationship.   Creating authentic relationships with those who encourage and support us is an important part of the meet-up group.  Learning how to create an intimate relationship where you can be true to yourself and your partner is another theme.  So often we think we need to make compromises in relationships and that robs us of our vitality, as well as an important opportunity for multiplying our full and free living.

For more information on the group Living Fully and Freely in St Leonards on Sea click or paste into your browser www.meetup.com/Living-Fully-and-Freely-in-St-Leonards-on-Sea/ or email Debbie@soulsanook.com

Debbie Reeds
Life Coach

  

Automatic Pilot

I didn’t drive in Bangkok, I had no need.  So when I got in a car it could be several months or sometimes years since I last drove.  On one visit to the UK, my first driving task was parking.  When asked in advance, I fleetingly wondered if I’d be able to maneuver the unfamiliar car.  But when I sat in the driver’s seat my automatic behaviour returned and I was neatly in a parking space before I had a chance to consciously think about it.

This reminded me of the learning model - unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence.  This model states that we start not knowing what we don’t know, unconscious incompetence. For example many people offend people in different cultures just because they are completely unaware of the other’s customs and ways of showing respect.  When we become aware there’s something we don’t know, we become consciously incompetent.  We still do not know what to do but we are aware there is potential for us to learn.  When we decide to learn, each time we do the new behaviour we will consciously think through each step, we are consciously competent.  Later, with practice the new behaviour will become automatic so our competence becomes unconscious. For me, driving is unconscious competence.

Interestingly my automatic behaviour included not only my good habits, but my bad ones as well.  I automatically looked in the mirror and automatically crossed my hands on the steering wheel.  I did not think about ‘how’ to do any of this, I just did it.  If you ask me to show you how to drive, I’m not sure I could.  I’m not sure I could take one step back to conscious competence without experiencing some conscious incompetence first!

If I had got into a state of worry before parking, I’m pretty sure I could have convinced myself that when driving I had to be in control.  And to feel in control I would have had to consciously think about each action.   This would have involved much more energy and as I said I’m not sure I would have been effective.

There are many things we do automatically- walking, greeting someone, cooking, writing.  By having these things done automatically, our mind is free to focus on where it’s needed, learning something new, for example.

Sometimes however, we don’t allow ourselves to respond automatically.  Maybe an emotion (like fear) gets in the way and tells us we’re unable to trust that part of ourselves.  So we analyse, think, try and we disregard our natural intuition and abilities. 

Creativity, I believe is something every human does automatically.  To be aware of how you’re being creative and to be creative at the same time is quite a challenge.  With this consciousness you may also be judging the level of your creativity.  The judgment can lead to many emotions which then produce a block.  Our task is to allow ourselves to be creative, releasing control and accepting any feelings that might produce.

I’m not against being self-aware, but choose the areas in which you want to build awareness.  If you’re looking to change something about yourself, you can first see if there is a positive natural or automatic behaviour you’re blocking with your feelings- your creativity, connection with others, ability to ride a bike.  In that case the ‘change’ comes from ‘getting out of our own way’, releasing the feelings so the true you can shine through.

As with my driving, automatic behaviour might not be all good.  There may be some habits that have a negative impact, such as over eating.  In this case we could to go back to being conscious of our behaviour so we can be aware of the triggers for our over eating, analyse what we eat when and why and be aware of how that feels.  This takes a good deal of energy and as ‘what we pay attention to grows’, focusing on the problem often makes the problem bigger!

Another option is to use the power of Intention.  One thing that was significantly different in my driving on this visit was that it was slower.  Rather than racing to get to my next appointment, I had plenty of time and my intention was to enjoy the scenery.  I did not think about driving at a specific speed it just happened automatically once that intention was clear.

Using our intention means we focus not on the mechanics of the behaviour we want to change but on the positive outcome we’re wanting to achieve.  This re-aligns our behaviour without us having to get so self- conscious.

This article was written whilst I was living in Thailand.  I'm now living in St Leonards on Sea on the beautiful UK south coast 

Debbie Reeds

www.soulsanook.com

Resistance is Pointless

I was interested to read about the overwhelming fullness of our lives in preparation for the radio interview I did recently.  In her book, Overwhelm, Brigid Schulte talks about the social pressure for us to take on more and more and the pressure we put on ourselves to fit in all that we want to do as well as all we think we should be doing.  We just don’t say ‘no’ and we don’t want to!

We can have the best time management in the world but we still cannot fit everything into our lives that we’d like to do and do all we need to do to earn the money for everything we’d like to have.  It seems increasingly we don’t want to choose, we think we can magically stretch time and search for the mystical answer that will make it all fit.  When it doesn’t we push ourselves harder.  This is not the route to happiness!

 

Two really useful time management tips….

Mark Forster's ‘Get Everything Done and Still Have Time to Play’, is my favourite time managment approach.  His tips include....

 

Tip 1:  Be realistic
Consider all you’re attempting to fit into your life and assess whether this is realistically possible.  If the things you have to do and the time available do not match, you have a problem and no amount of time management techniques will fix it.

So prune your tasks…..

·         ~ Cut out all the things you feel you should do but actually never get round to

·         ~ Delegate all you can.  Make use of all available resources, ask for help, pay for help automate 

·         ~ Consider completing projects one by one rather than all at once.  Extend timescales, re-negotiate deadlines

·         ~ Be clear on your passion and purpose.  Prioritise the activities relating to these

·         ~ Make ‘no’ your default.  Remember a ‘no’ to another is a ‘yes’ to yourself

·         ~ Work on letting go of any guilt and negative self-talk relating to putting yourself first and taking care of your needs

Tip 2: Be guided by resistance. 

We all have activities and tasks we resist.  Maybe it’s facing up to the fact our life is overfull and we need to do something about it or perhaps it is getting round to one of the actions above?  When we resist doing something, we find other distractions, other things to keep us busy.  We justify to ourselves that these tasks are important and meaningful but are they really?  The longer we resist something, the harder it gets to do it and the more time we’ve wasted doing other ‘busy stuff’.  Our minds are quite clever at this and it can take some time before we are conscious of what it is that we are resisting 

Eventually either the resisted activity either becomes far too difficult to contemplate or becomes urgent so the pain of not doing it outweighs the pain of doing it. 

Occasionally the resistance is a voice of wisdom – the thing may not be so important or relevant now.  In which case make a clear decision not to do it so you can stop giving it your energy.

To conquer resistance….

1.       Check in with your intuition, is this activity still important to you?  Why?

2.       Do it now.  Organise your time so you do the thing you’re resisting most.  Once you’ve finished one thing, ask yourself, what am I resisting most now?

3.       Break tasks down into small chunks

4.       Give yourself small amounts of time to complete the small chunks

5.       Give the tasks challenging time deadlines

This takes practice but I’ve found really rewarding.  It gives me a sense of life flowing.  Clients too report the increasing confidence and self-pride that comes from tackling something you’ve been putting off.  Give it a go and let me know how you get on!

More About Stress

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of being interviewed on the radio by Tet Kofi.  The piece was inspired by an article in the Guardian which talked about the dangers of stress especially for heart attacks, it said…..

“short bursts of strong negative emotions may be hurtful to hearts”

Tet contacted me to talk about stress and all the practical things we can do to take care of ourselves.  The piece was really short but I had so much to say so here’s a more complete version…..

For me, the article is taking about the kind of stress that builds and builds and then irrupts in anger.  Whilst it is easy to see the anger as the culprit, the root of the problem is in the holding-on or bottling-up that happens in the lead up to the explosion.  Expressing anger naturally as it occurs, as children do, isn’t dangerous.  We just learn unhealthy ways of dealing with our emotions to fit in with how we think others need us to behave.

The first of Tet’s questions was how to recognise when you’re stressed….

Feelings are natural, we have them all the time.  They can be a good source of information for us and ideally we notice them, feel them fully and then they dissipate.  To feel them fully, we can express them in some way but many of us find both the feeling and the expressing uncomfortable so we choose to bury them.  We might think we are putting them to one side or ignoring them but, unless we face them fully, they stay in our bodies waiting to be set free.  It is my belief that these buried emotions are responsible for much of the disease we experience in modern times.  In the acting technique of Meisner* there’s a saying that ‘anything that goes unexpressed eats away at us’.

Holding on to emotions by burying them or going over and over them in our minds, is stressful.  To recognise this for yourself you need to tune into your body.  Take a deep breath and notice the sensations in your body, do some meditation, take physical exercise or dance and be aware of how your body feels.  All of these activities mean cultivating the observer in you so you observe the feelings rather than being so close to them that you believe they are you.  If you observe tension and pain in your body, this is a good indication you have some feelings there too.

Another way of knowing if you are stressed is to see the results you are getting in your life.  Our world reflects back what we give to it so if you experience lots of people around you as being stresses, the chances are you are too.  You may be stressed about other issues or show your stress in other ways but this is a clear clue.  If you are bumping into things and accident prone, you are probably not putting your awareness into the here and now, where is your awareness?  If people regularly respond in a rude or angry way to you, could you too be giving off those vibes?

Tet then asked, how can we change if we’re stressed out and angry?

Stress is the gap between where we are and where we want to be.  It represents a lack, we lack time, skill, motivation, control.  Stress is a re-banding of fear which is socially acceptable, if not desirable.  You can mention stress anywhere whereas to have fears can sound weak.  But underlying the stress will be a fear- what if…(you fill in the blank)….?  Although it might not be comfortable to admit we are afraid, facing our fear can actually be a liberating experience.  By seeing it clearly, it may lose some of its power.  We can examine the fear by asking ourselves….

- Is what we’re afraid of a likely consequence or outcome the action/non-action we’re taking?
- Are other more likely consequences/outcomes?
- Could we lessen our fear’s impact by having an alternative plan? 
Once we have some practical actions in place, we feel more in control and the fear subsides.

For example- What if I miss this deadline?  My fear is I’ll be fired, I’ll go bankrupt and then my family will be out on the streets. 
-Is this likely? Probably not!    
- Are other outcomes more likely?  Yes my boss would probably be really concerned and we’d have to have a meeting
- Could I lessen its impact?  Yes by having insurance and/or savings I could reduce the risk of going bankrupt.  By updating my CV and making sure my skills are up to date I’d be prepared if I lost my job.  And building the relationship with my boss would make talking to her about my deadlines easier.  Getting better at time management to avoid the situation in the first place. 

We can get addicted to the adrenaline stress releases in our bodies so, like changing any habit, we need to replace old habits with new and given them it time to embed.

Stress may be based on day-to-day situations such as this tight deadline or it might be the big picture, deeper stress that comes from not being true to ourselves in you work or relationship. Keeping up an act causes stress.  In this case it is important to get back in touch with your passions and your creativity so you can be truthful with yourself and others. 

But what, Tet asked if you are in a survival job as it’s not practical to pursue your life’s mission at the moment? 

In this case….

·    1. Have a plan.  Know how long you’ll need to do the survival job and what steps you’ll take when opportunities arise.  Make sure you’re monitoring the situation and preparing for the new rather than getting ‘addicted’ to the attributes of your current lifestyle.  For example if you’re looking to open your own business, you’d be saving at every opportunity and not agreeing to loans that will depend on staying employed in the long term.

·    2. Make a conscious choice. Not feeling in control is stressful and there are always other options.  So know you could pursue your life’s mission if you really wanted to but at the moment you have chosen to do something more important. 

·    3. Explore the pay-off.  Is this survival job really the best option or is there a belief holding you back from perusing your life’s mission?  Look for the pay-off, the thing that we can do or avoid by taking this option.  Are we afraid of failure, or success?  Do we believe we can be happy and successful?

·    4. Find an outlet for your feelings.  Make sure you are giving space for your feelings rather than bottling them up- explore how its best for you to express your feelings- through exercise, dance, something creative, acting, writing etc

·    5. Be grateful for what you do have.  Nothing changes your feelings faster than appreciation

·    6. Find ways to make it fun.  Could you bring some of your passions/mission into your survival job?  Or do something towards this in your free time?  How else could you make this period in your life a fun time?

I hope this has given you some ideas.  Stress is such a broad area and I’d be happy to answer other questions that arise 

*For more details on Meisner technique see our interview with Simon Furness at www.sea-sky.co.uk