More About Stress

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of being interviewed on the radio by Tet Kofi.  The piece was inspired by an article in the Guardian which talked about the dangers of stress especially for heart attacks, it said…..

“short bursts of strong negative emotions may be hurtful to hearts”

Tet contacted me to talk about stress and all the practical things we can do to take care of ourselves.  The piece was really short but I had so much to say so here’s a more complete version…..

For me, the article is taking about the kind of stress that builds and builds and then irrupts in anger.  Whilst it is easy to see the anger as the culprit, the root of the problem is in the holding-on or bottling-up that happens in the lead up to the explosion.  Expressing anger naturally as it occurs, as children do, isn’t dangerous.  We just learn unhealthy ways of dealing with our emotions to fit in with how we think others need us to behave.

The first of Tet’s questions was how to recognise when you’re stressed….

Feelings are natural, we have them all the time.  They can be a good source of information for us and ideally we notice them, feel them fully and then they dissipate.  To feel them fully, we can express them in some way but many of us find both the feeling and the expressing uncomfortable so we choose to bury them.  We might think we are putting them to one side or ignoring them but, unless we face them fully, they stay in our bodies waiting to be set free.  It is my belief that these buried emotions are responsible for much of the disease we experience in modern times.  In the acting technique of Meisner* there’s a saying that ‘anything that goes unexpressed eats away at us’.

Holding on to emotions by burying them or going over and over them in our minds, is stressful.  To recognise this for yourself you need to tune into your body.  Take a deep breath and notice the sensations in your body, do some meditation, take physical exercise or dance and be aware of how your body feels.  All of these activities mean cultivating the observer in you so you observe the feelings rather than being so close to them that you believe they are you.  If you observe tension and pain in your body, this is a good indication you have some feelings there too.

Another way of knowing if you are stressed is to see the results you are getting in your life.  Our world reflects back what we give to it so if you experience lots of people around you as being stresses, the chances are you are too.  You may be stressed about other issues or show your stress in other ways but this is a clear clue.  If you are bumping into things and accident prone, you are probably not putting your awareness into the here and now, where is your awareness?  If people regularly respond in a rude or angry way to you, could you too be giving off those vibes?

Tet then asked, how can we change if we’re stressed out and angry?

Stress is the gap between where we are and where we want to be.  It represents a lack, we lack time, skill, motivation, control.  Stress is a re-banding of fear which is socially acceptable, if not desirable.  You can mention stress anywhere whereas to have fears can sound weak.  But underlying the stress will be a fear- what if…(you fill in the blank)….?  Although it might not be comfortable to admit we are afraid, facing our fear can actually be a liberating experience.  By seeing it clearly, it may lose some of its power.  We can examine the fear by asking ourselves….

- Is what we’re afraid of a likely consequence or outcome the action/non-action we’re taking?
- Are other more likely consequences/outcomes?
- Could we lessen our fear’s impact by having an alternative plan? 
Once we have some practical actions in place, we feel more in control and the fear subsides.

For example- What if I miss this deadline?  My fear is I’ll be fired, I’ll go bankrupt and then my family will be out on the streets. 
-Is this likely? Probably not!    
- Are other outcomes more likely?  Yes my boss would probably be really concerned and we’d have to have a meeting
- Could I lessen its impact?  Yes by having insurance and/or savings I could reduce the risk of going bankrupt.  By updating my CV and making sure my skills are up to date I’d be prepared if I lost my job.  And building the relationship with my boss would make talking to her about my deadlines easier.  Getting better at time management to avoid the situation in the first place. 

We can get addicted to the adrenaline stress releases in our bodies so, like changing any habit, we need to replace old habits with new and given them it time to embed.

Stress may be based on day-to-day situations such as this tight deadline or it might be the big picture, deeper stress that comes from not being true to ourselves in you work or relationship. Keeping up an act causes stress.  In this case it is important to get back in touch with your passions and your creativity so you can be truthful with yourself and others. 

But what, Tet asked if you are in a survival job as it’s not practical to pursue your life’s mission at the moment? 

In this case….

·    1. Have a plan.  Know how long you’ll need to do the survival job and what steps you’ll take when opportunities arise.  Make sure you’re monitoring the situation and preparing for the new rather than getting ‘addicted’ to the attributes of your current lifestyle.  For example if you’re looking to open your own business, you’d be saving at every opportunity and not agreeing to loans that will depend on staying employed in the long term.

·    2. Make a conscious choice. Not feeling in control is stressful and there are always other options.  So know you could pursue your life’s mission if you really wanted to but at the moment you have chosen to do something more important. 

·    3. Explore the pay-off.  Is this survival job really the best option or is there a belief holding you back from perusing your life’s mission?  Look for the pay-off, the thing that we can do or avoid by taking this option.  Are we afraid of failure, or success?  Do we believe we can be happy and successful?

·    4. Find an outlet for your feelings.  Make sure you are giving space for your feelings rather than bottling them up- explore how its best for you to express your feelings- through exercise, dance, something creative, acting, writing etc

·    5. Be grateful for what you do have.  Nothing changes your feelings faster than appreciation

·    6. Find ways to make it fun.  Could you bring some of your passions/mission into your survival job?  Or do something towards this in your free time?  How else could you make this period in your life a fun time?

I hope this has given you some ideas.  Stress is such a broad area and I’d be happy to answer other questions that arise 

*For more details on Meisner technique see our interview with Simon Furness at www.sea-sky.co.uk

My Story

My turning point was on a weekend workshop, The Mastery of Self Expression.  I was asked to express anger, I cried, then sadness, I cried again and how about love?  Yes more tears!  Somehow my audience weren’t appalled at my weakness. They were somewhat perplexed by my desire to smile and cry at the same time but, on the whole, they appreciated my authenticity.  Before then I’m not sure I had known what that word meant.

Until that point, my life had focused on conforming enough to be accepted.  On qualifications, career, mortgage, independence.  I’d been pretty successful at them although happy relationships were something of a mystery.  Not surprising really considering my limited emotional repertoire!

A few years earlier I’d left my job with a management consultancy with the intention of working less hours for the same amount of money so I could attend personal development workshops and find what I really wanted to do, I knew there was something more to discover.  This quest led me to Brandon Bays, The Journey, Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s way, NLP practitioner training, energy healing, meditation and eventually to independent travelling.  Each one nudged me a little further towards discovering parts of myself I’d hidden away and revealing my life purpose.

Although I’d gained the skills for coaching from my consultancy and training roles, I chose to take in-depth coach training with CoachU.  Integral to the course was strengthening my personal foundation to ensure I could remain independent of my client’s stories, as well as learning ways of tackling significant life issues in short focused coaching sessions and plenty of observed practice.  I started my coaching business in Bangkok working internationally from the outset and have been in the very privileged position of helping people through critical situations to create lives that are right for them.

And my life purpose?  To learn and to teach.  I am constantly seeking out new experiences and learning and just as I’m having my ‘ah-har’ moment, I seem to meet someone who I can pass that information on to, sometimes through coaching and sometimes in other roles.  At first I thought I really should be fully ‘personally developed’ before being able to coach others and this set up a pretty impossible task!  I’ve come to realise the value of fresh experiences and learning for the recipient.  I am accompanying my clients along a path where I’m walking with them, just a few steps ahead.  Still dealing with the same terrain and ensuring I have a strong footing before reaching out to help.

Lawrence and I’s relationship includes commitments to both taking responsibility for our personal growth and to supporting each other’s growth.  A pretty clear alignment with my life purpose!   Our Sea Sky courses bring together our different skills and approaches to present a unique combination of practical ideas and inspiring practices.  The approach to life and emotions I’m bringing to the courses I’ve used and shared many times but the courses are about applying these tried and tested practices to different situations to aid the creative processes and enable participants to resolve issues that might stand in the way of them pursuing their creative talents and orienting their lives around their life purpose.  Sea Sky is a new partnership with much to explore, I hope you decide to join us on this exciting adventure!

Join our Course 1: Transition to the creative life you've always wanted to discover your life purpose and find the self-awareness, tools and momentum to go for it 

Debbie Reeds
www.sea-sky.co.uk
www.facebook.com/SeaSkyTraining
 

Wake up to your authenticity

"There's no going back now"  Simon Furness 29/03/11
“I can remember the day, during a Meisner training session with Simon when I felt I had woken up and experienced a complete and unfettered honesty with myself and those around me. It was shocking, scary and exciting. I had to face up to things that I had been telling myself about life, my relationship and about myself in order to 'get by', to 'survive', that just weren't true. Having had that experience I find there is now no viable way back to accepting any less from myself, life, work or relationships. And for that, I am very grateful.”   Lawrence O’Connor

It’s amazing how many lies, half-truths and embellishments we can gather as we make our way in life, censoring ourselves so we fit in, learning ways to make money and win other’s approval.  Most of us get really good at telling stories as we’d like things to be, so good that we even believe them ourselves.  Life becomes a complicated web of drama as we try to keep the status quo, but there’s still a lonely voice inside saying something like ‘is this all there is?’

It becomes much harder to hold on to those beliefs when reality steps in and contradicts our story.  This might be in an actor’s training, as Lawrence describes, or personal development course as it was for me.  It could be you amaze yourself by doing something you never thought you could or someone helps you see things from a different view point.

I’d love to tell you this is a once in a life time experience and, once awake that’s the way you stay, yet sometimes we meet obstacles as we take our new found awareness into the world, we become disheartened and revert to our old ways.  Only ‘there is no going back’ and now we are aware of our lack of authenticity the pretence is even more painful.  

Whether this is your first awakening or a refresher, our Tenerife Sea Sky courses are designed to put you in touch with your creative spark and to help you orientate your life around your authentic expression.  They are based on the following principles…..

1. We learn and grow through connection, seeing different perspectives, expression and experience

2. Our life story and metaphors are both a record of our previous focus, passions and patterns and a prediction of future success

3. Discovering and orientating our lives around our passions and purpose is key not only to our own wellbeing, happiness and satisfaction but also to that of others around us.

4. Understanding and learning ways of working with our feelings enables us to be in the driving seat rather than at the mercy of our emotions

5.  Where there is a will, to transform patterns and overcome blocks, there is a way

6.  Our ideal is authenticity, however this is always a choice and the transition may be gradual

7.  New behaviour is best tried on, rehearsed and supported

Details of our programmes are at http://www.sea-sky.co.uk/#!courses/c1jxp.  We’d be very happy to hear your questions and comments and we hope you can make our preview session  this Sunday

Location, Location, Location

To start this New Year, my partner and I embarked on a planning process for 2014.  We used a version of my Life Navigation programme that I’ve developed and refined over time and had fun reviewing 2013 and creating our vision for the future. We brought in some of Jinny Ditzler’s suggestion from Best Year Yet and generally had fun with it.

I’ve often given attention to why to plan and what to do to enjoy the process but until now I’ve neglected the where.

I suggest in Life Navigation that you might want to go somewhere inspiring to work on your vision for the future, perhaps somewhere high-up where you can see an overview.  We live on a hill overlooking the sea and the view from our sofa is often pretty spectacular (as shown in the Sea Sky pictures posted on Facebook).  But this time we discovered location had even more significance.

We started the process at home and then continued in the channel tunnel, not a very scenic environment but a great metaphor for our creative process.  We defined our passions and priorities in the airy Bakkers-Winkel café in Amsterdam, reflected upon our vision journeying across flat green Belgum landscapes and wrote our goals in a refined Antwerp restaurant in a ‘no-go’ part of town.  Finally our lovely local Poffley's Coffee Shop was the venue for the finalising the plan and committing to action.

Now when we think of the different aspects of our plan we have the locations as an anchor points, reminders of the feelings associated with this part of the plan and an image of us collaborating on our journey.  Our plan is part of our story.

So whether you’re organising a business brainstorm, doing some personal reflection or creating your own 2014 plan, why not take yourself somewhere different as part of the process?

Post Holiday Ponderings

I hope you had glorious holidays full of magical celebrations and touching moments.

If you had a wonderful time, I’m curious about the contrast between this and your normal life?  Did you give yourself permission to do anything differently over Xmas and the New Year?

Traditionally this is a time of excess, and eating and drinking as much as this every day would probably be a recipe for disaster!  But sitting down to eat with family and friends, taking the time and care to prepare special meals, decorating the table and creating special rituals.  These are all things that bond families together and create special memories.  Perhaps there are some elements of this you can bring into daily life?

Perhaps you made a special effort to be kind to relatives and those less fortunate?  Perhaps you were kinder to yourself and/or more expressive about what you wanted?  Were you more flexible in accommodating the needs of others?  Maybe you reached out to renew friendships and make new ones?  Are any of these habits worth keeping all year round?  Do any help you to be more true to yourself and more loving? 

If you didn't have a great Christmas, what was missing?  How can you do things differently this year to address the issues, perhaps coaching would help :-)

At this time of striving to embed New Year resolutions, we think we must be focused and disciplined but it is important to balance this yang energy with yin elements of feeling good, being kind and connecting with others.  With this balance, we are more likely to achieve our 2014 goals as well as enjoying ourselves fully along the way.